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01
A stepdaughter who is a very good student and works hard at her education.
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“AITA for not contributing to the tuition fee?”
"Hello everyone!
I am forty eight years old. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. She is 22. She never wanted to have a relationship with me and I have always been careful with her. I never tried to be her mother. I stayed in my lane and kept things respectful. Our relationship was always distant but fine.
Coming to the point, she wants to go to grad school. My husband saved a specific amount for this purpose. It was meant for a local university. She suddenly changed her mind. She applied to an expensive school (which my husband claims that he doesn't know) and got in. The tuition there is double what my husband saved. He told her clearly that it is out of his budget."
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02
An expensive local university with a tuition out of budget.
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"She did not seem to care too much about it and she just expected the money to appear. This stressed my husband a lot, so my husband had been discussing the tuition gap. I have some personal inheritance money that I keep separate. I have saved this to buy a house together. My husband had asked me if I could cover the difference for his daughter. I told him no. I did not feel it was my responsibility as we had agreed to keep this part separate. I could see how he was stressed out about it, so I agreed to think about it. I believe he talked to his sister at one point and told her about our conversation.
Two days later, SIL told the daughter that I was paying for the school. The daughter called me out of nowhere. She was suddenly very warm and thanked me over the phone. I was completely confused. I told her straight out that there was a misunderstanding. I told her I am not paying for it."
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03
Hardworking student searching for expensive grad schools to roll in.
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"The call went cold immediately. The conversation felt it went from 0 to 100 suddenly. She said she always knew I did not care about her future. She said I was hoarding money just to be cruel. She went on a rant and mentioned how I am controlling her with the money. A few choice words were said and I called her entitled.
I feel completely blindsided. She only showed me warmth when she thought she was getting my money. She has ignored me for years before this. Now my husband is acting quiet. He says he understands my choice, but his silence feels heavy. I can tell he expects me to just cave and pay it to keep the peace. My sister in law made a mess and now I look like the villain. I have the funds, but the entitlement makes me sick. I refused to back down during the argument and told her she needs to grow up. What should I do or if there is a middle ground in this?"
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04
A woman's personal inheritance money, saved to buy a house.
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The stepmother's inheritance money was not shared household money. It was her personal savings that she kept separate for a purpose. And that purpose is pretty clear: she wants to buy a house. She shouldn't let her plans fall behind, and it was understandable that she said no. It should have been a perfectly accepted answer.
But instead of respecting that decision, the sister-in-law created a whole new problem, and suddenly, the stepmom was the villain in a story that never actually happened in the first place. She had not even agreed to fund her stepdaughter's educational choice. She did not promise money or encourage expectations. Still, the stepdaughter became accusative and angry at her. This only exposed how conditional their relationship was. After years of distance, the stepdaughter became warm only because she believed money was involved. And the moment money disappeared, so did her kindness.
Wanting to protect personal savings does not make someone selfish. The stepmom had long-term plans for it, and she should not be expected to sacrifice those goals because someone else made financial assumptions without her consent.
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"NTA
She's an adult. She can find a way to pay for her own tuition. Like an adult. There are plenty of grants, scholarships, and loans for people who apply for them. Plenty of people don't have mom and dad providing any of their education costs and they manage.
She chose to not want a relationship with you. You have no obligation to her. Even if you were her actual parent, you are not required to pay for her tuition."
"I agree! NTA. She is an adult, there are jobs and loans she can do. Equally she can go to a local university as planned and have her full tuition paid. She’s making an adult decision and there are adult steps to planning for these decisions.
OP also said they’re saving it for a house which is their security. They should not have to sacrifice that.
This has nothing to do with the step parent relationship and everything to do with how one adult should not have to sacrifice for another, when the other is making choices as above. She’s not in danger, she’s not homeless, she’s not in crisis, she just wants a perfect life at the sacrifice of other adults."
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“she applied to a school twice the budget without telling anyone and expected the gap to just appear. That's not a funding problem, that's a planning problem she created herself”
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“The SIL should have never been made aware. The husband created this mess by telling her. NTA, but he needs to take responsibility and a discussion about privacy is in order. You don't owe a dime, and don't feel guilty.”
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